whining

 Having an awful mental anguish filled month. I have not had friends in 5 years. I feel like I shouldn't even count being friends with Leo, he always cancelled on me whenever I'd already made my family aware of my plans. It was so embarrassing having to say time after time that he had something come up last minute. It made me feel like such a loser, and after enough times it made it look like I'd fabricated the entire thing, like he didn't actually exist. 

 I don't understand why this is a constant in my life. Am I that awful to be around? I don't know what else it could be.

 All throughout school, no one ever talked to me over the summer, or on breaks, or on the weekends. No one would ever message me if I didn't show up to class. Yet, people would always call out to me at school, or usher me in to join their conversation. I knew everyone, I talked to everyone, everyday. But outside of this one setting, why did they not care. Why I am I forgotten so quickly. 

 When we moved, I didn't tell anyone. I was sad, and I didn't want people to know that'd be our last day seeing each other. I quite literally could disappear and no one would worry. I wish I could do things differently. I want to be someone people care about. I want people to think about me. I want people to care. 

 I hated trying to make plans with people in 8th grade and high school. I couldn't drive and I had no money so I needed to work plans out at least a week in advance. I would always either get, "oh I'm busy", or cancelled on last minute.

 If I could go back I would try to be nicer. I need to be more personable, and hold my tongue, be more mindful of others. I feel like I came off as very mean when I was trying to be funny. I still do. Even if it's not my intention, I can't control how other people take my tone and words, so I need to really think before I speak. 

 Been thinking about that one video I have saved on my phone by that Tommy guy, "this is like an episode of F.R.I.E.N.D.S, except I don't think you guys'd make very good friends, but I am so. lonely". That's how I feel best put into words.

 I want so badly to meet the girls in la, but I'm too scared to really say it. I feel like a fool saying to other people that I want to see them, or spend time with them since no one has ever seemed to think the same of me. I feel like if I were to say something, it's bound to be a repeat of every other interaction I've had. I don't believe any of them would actually want to do anything with me, or spend time with me outside of this 1 setting. And even in this 1 setting, I'm too scared to say anything. 

 I want to go out for my birthday. I feel like if I actually do, no one will actually be able to go to that one month. It's that same stomach twisting feeling I had last year. I knew in my gut that Leo was going to cancel on me and he did. If I'm to be so unlucky, at least let me only be unlucky enough to even attend in the first place. 

 I think it's terrible to even think, but I see people I know online posting about their awful mental state saying they feel like a burden to everyone they know and how they're useless and no one likes them, yet they'll be dating someone and consistently go out or just hang out with friends. It makes me mad. I don't understand how they can think that when they post snippets of their conversations with said friends about how much they each care for one another, or a recent lunch outing with a different friend each week. 

 I go out every day I have off, I hate being in the house. My family used to grill me for never going out, that no one else my age stays in their room everyday the entire day. I don't have anymore money to spend. I feel bad being nearly 21 and I still pester my mom to do things and go places with me every weekend. I shouldn't be bothering her with stupid things like this; I don't think she cares for it either. 

 I wish apartments were cheap. I would probably become a shut-in. I don't like most any aspect of my life.

 I want to have friends.