mad & complaining

 I have a lot I want to say and none of it is beneficial to anyone or really does anything, but I like typing everything out to complain because then it isn't just sitting in my head and I have to keep thinking it over and over.

 I think it's wrong to hold a grudge or to be genuinely mad over things that upset me, but I can't seem to... I don't know. eliminate(?) this way of thinking and feeling about things. I'm mad no one got me anything on my birthday and I'm mad no one in my family or my friends who I bought things for, got me anything for Christmas. I don't think it's in the spirit of the holidays for me to feel like that, and frankly I would buy everyone things again next year solely because it's fun to do and I like thinking about other people. but uhm- I'm also self-centered and immature. why no presents for me? I want gifts and cards too. Like. I didn't buy people things with the thought process of, I bought you something so now you're obligated to get me something, but.. I'd like it if people did this for me too. I'm also mad because Julie hasn't received the stuff I sent her at the beginning of December, that arrived and was marked as delivered before Christmas by the USPS, and now she says she doesn't have it. I threw that tracking number away over a month ago because both she and the website said it was delivered, and she said she'd open it once she got back to school. I am extremely irritated. Extremely. That shit is in the UK, I have no tracking number, no emails, no customs charges from when it entered the UK, that shit is out of my hands now. That's like 300 bucks gone. I'm mad. And I don't have any customs/tariffs emails from any mailing services about the package she sent me either. I'm just really mad.

 I'm also irritated that Mia takes a thousand years to get back to me about anything unless I go into her place of work and go see her. I like seeing her, I like talking to her, I would want to hang out with her, I don't think she likes me. I feel like she follows the 'regular polite' "I'm not ever going to see you outside of this one setting" with me, even if she says something that doesn't sound like that would be the case. I don't like that. I want my Rose Volume 2 back. That's my favorite magazine. Do not say to me, we should hang out, we should make plans, because I will make plans and I will be upset when you cancel. I still have a present to give to her as well, and I..... I don't even know. 

 I'm also irritated at the thought of dating. I feel like no one who hears me speak or reads what I write takes me seriously. I downloaded some dating app and reviewed all these guys with Leo the other day and I just... I don't know. I don't want to deal with any of it. People barely talk to me when I am out in public as is. This is just awful. I don't want to do any of this. I think I will never have a boyfriend and I think women don't take me seriously. 

 I have a hundred thousand pictures I want to upload to insta, but I still want to post my Christmas purikura that I took. I can't get around to decorating it. So everything just keeps getting pushed back further and further. I feel like it's not even worth it to upload it at all anymore. 

 I don't know that I want to wear the dress I got for this year's Chinese New Year. I might just wear the pink one I got for next year 2 years in a row. I'm trying to plan a trip with Leo to go to LA early/mid February. I think it'd be fun but I'm broke and I don't want to inconvenience both him and my mother financially. 

 I feel better having written everything out. I've been really hungry the last few days.