thoughts 10/30

 I got hired for a seasonal job this last week after no one getting back to me for 9 months.. my parents, my nail lady, and my friends are all very happy even if it is only part time. I had to go to the training yesterday, but I had an appointment with this therapist I've been been seeing a couple hours before that. I kind of hate her. I don't think I want to see her again. 

 She no-showed me last week and I told her this week that that really pissed me off. I also told her I had finally gotten a job and I had the training that day. Going to heavily paraphrase, but we mainly ended up talking about doing nails as a career, since she was staring at my nails the entire duration of the appointment. I didn't want to talk about nails since I thought the other things I had this week were more important. She asked why I don't do that if I went to school for it. My main thing is still that I don't want to waste Lilly's time. I know what it takes, even to start, like working with Jessica, if you're not serious don't reach out. I think it would be worthwhile to do, but I'm not serious enough and I haven't been. I know Lilly isn't going to care if I totally suck before training, she and I are very similar, so she just says these things and I understand. Which is why I haven't taken her up on this opportunity. And Lilly knows this, cus I've said it. You have to be totally dedicated to training the first 6 months, I'm not there. But this lady has said something similar to, "Well how do you know what she's thinking, if she wants to work with you why don't you take up the offer." A lot of what she was getting at was, how do you know this is what she(Lilly) means, how do you know if this is how she's thinking/feeling? I'm not a mind reader, but Lilly doesn't bullshit me. She and I think the same. I'm the only client she keeps on that she argues with and spends this much time doing nails for. I know it because she says it, I don't have to guess. That woman is like my aunt, I love her. So,.. it really irritated me to hear her assumptions about why I'm not agreeing to this offer or her assumptions on how Lilly must feel about this. You haven't met her, she'll just say if she feels I'm wasting her time.

 As for this therapist, she's been saying, "do you wanna be 30 living with your parents", this time adding, "only working seasonal jobs". ah,.. ok. It really irritated me, I feel like she doesn't understand any of what I'm saying.. like she's looking for subtext that isn't there or something. I don't like being late and I don't want to waste someone's time because it's rude, it irritates me. She says, but why? ...I just said ಠ⁠益⁠ಠ.. there isn't more. Hm.. I don't know how to say it.. like, specifics. But talking with her just makes me more frustrated. It seems like she assigns these reasonings to things I say or do that aren't actually there, and when I say that isn't the case, she doesn't follow. I think I'm too flat in how I think. 

 Another thing is, I had 2 different doctors appointments these last couple weeks. One with my primary doctor, and that went fine. She sent a referral to a psychiatrist, and I met him the day before. I think that appointment went well too. I told him about previous diagnoses I've had and correlating medications, and I talked about having previously having been diagnosed as having bipolar disorder, but I feel like that wasn't an appropriate diagnosis, so I wanted his opinion on if that could be properly ruled out. So he went over his thought process with me and I'm going to try a medication these next few weeks. 

 I'd told this therapist about that appointment and she said something similar to, "have you ever thought it's everyone else with the issues and there's nothing wrong with you at all?". I know what I was thinking, but I didn't even know what to say to that. My thought is,.. if there really is no sort of mental issue going on with me, I think that would be reflected back in my day to day life. I think I would have an easier time doing things like my mom and brother do. And those two are very different in how they go about things, but both don't struggle in the same way that I do. So I thought that was really stupid to say. I'd like it if there was nothing wrong with me, and outside of my blog entries and the occasional twitter post, I don't bring up any of these things, because I don't think other people need to actually know any of this stuff. So... if people in school, and at jobs, and at regular places are.. uh, aware(?) of the fact that how I generally am is kinda different, despite never verbalizing it, I think that goes against her statement. I hope that made sense.. Anyways, I'd like to not have any problems like bipolar disorder, but if it's something that runs in my family, and how I am does interfere with having a more 'regular' life.. I see how my family lives and I'm fortunate enough to be able to go to the doctor, I'd rather rule it out or more unfortunate, get the diagnosis. I don't want to live in my problems permanently, so is it wrong to try and have these things addressed. I don't know what to think anymore. 

 Anyways, I really like my recent nails and I'm happy to start my job. Even if it's a mall job, I think it will be fun :-3. The other ladies that work there seem nice, so I think it'll go well. I'm happy to have any job at all; being unemployed for so long is really demoralizing. And then tomorrow I'm gonna go play with Leo and his lovely girlfriend, so that should be fun :-3. I have a follow-up appointment with the psychiatrist in about a month, so I'm hoping to have something to work towards.