bullshit

 Had a stalker for over a year. Only really came out in full around the 9th. Julie had warned me about her near the end of this last year, saying she was obsessed with me and that I should keep an eye out for her since it sounded more like a stalker kind of obsession as opposed to the ones I have for my own friends. Honestly, I think the only reason I managed to not be so freaked out by this girl is because of how Julie'd originally described her to me; as being seemingly infatuated with me, and that she would ask people about me; so I wasn't really 'put off' by her in the way that (after having seen how much she'd said) I honestly should have been. I think if I hadn't been told this last year, that seeing those messages 2 days before doing anything about it publicly would've been more difficult. 

 To be honest, I didn't find sharing all of it difficult at all, instead I found it incredibly irritating. I had originally posted what I'd said to her in response and told everyone that she's a known creep, so look out and avoid her. I realized after a few hours tho, that no one seemed to... I don't know. 'believe'(?) what I'd said. Everyone was still following her account, people I'd interact with frequently, and even people that I've seen and spoken to in real life. I felt empty seeing that. If I said, "you're a lunatic bitch, I'll kill you" in my opening line, did they think it was over nothing? So at that point, I shared all of the messages I'd been sent where she had mentioned or talked about me over the last year and a half. She deactivated her socials almost immediately after I did that, and THEN everybody was responding saying, "Oh my god, is this real 😟!!!??". Makes you think.. and not in a very good way.

 Anyways, since I'm not going to share any screenshots here and I'm going to type everything out: apparently she was actually and genuinely obsessed with me. I don't know much of anything about mental disorders and things, but she was talking shit about a few of my friends as well, and when they'd messaged her calling her out, she'd block them and wouldn't respond cus she was scared. Versus when I did it to her, it's like she was willing to do anything I asked. It was weird. Like, why are you just admitting to stalking my blog, tiktok, and insta, and even going as far as admitting to downloading my videos? She'd even said, "I'll give you screenshots of everything I said, please forgive me." I honestly didn't think twice about it until I'd told Josi and she said, "yeah dude, she basically worshipped you".. but uh... the more I think about the timeline of it, the more weirded out I am. Cus I wasn't following her for a while, but she was definitely aware of me. Honestly, I think when she did start posting pictures to her feed, I think she did it in a way to get my attention. Posting old blog style pictures of her hime style shoes and MA*RS accessories, a layout of magazines, a spread of a few of her favorite MA*RS prints she has.. It freaks me out cus,... it did get my attention. The only thing that really actually creeped me out was, over that last week, both Julie and Josi had told me that she bought this pair of hot pink, fuzzy, MA*RS brand, heart shaped heels solely to get my attention. Now let me tell you why that's crazy.. there was a good year long stretch where I was on the hunt for weird heels, I'd even posted on my personal, that she had no way of seeing, in 2023 the pair that she bought. It was my size, US 7.5, but they were 300 USD, and I couldn't do that. This girl, in talking shit about me saying I have big feet, admitted saying she wears a US 5.5... this girl bought 300 dollar shoes that she can't even wear for the sole reason being she wanted to get my attention. This was far before I knew of her, but she knew me well enough to have bought the shoes. 

 Another thing I feel worth mentioning, is a lot of my friends that read the messages (where she was talking about me,) were really seriously creeped out that she knew all my sizes. Theo, Hime, and Josi all said that that sent a chill down their spines. Those 3 along with Cammie were also shocked by the number of pages that had my name. It was 3 full pages worth.  And it wasn't even the full conversations being sent, but 3 full pages of snippets from her conversation where my name was mentioned when she looked me up in her insta chat. 

 More than anything, I'm just upset. Not about any of the stuff that girl Nokali said about me, or even the fact that she was full-on stalking me and probably still is, but the fact that the majority of people following and interacting with me just did not give a shit until I posted everything that was said. I didn't even post anything she'd said about other girls too. why did only a few care?

 My car finally got fixed. The front suspension and the left axle needed repaired. I don't understand why all of that happened.. I got a flat on the 28th and then everything went to shit over the next 2.5 weeks.. It was like, 4k for everything. I kept complaining after the tire was patched that it wasn't driving right, so my mom brought it in like 2 more times, and I kept telling them it still wasn't right. My parents were actually pissed.. so they brought it in again on my mom's birthday, and it was the shit I said above ↑. I knew I wasn't crazy, but I don't know enough about cars to explain what the hell was wrong with it. I also don't know why the suspension would have problems in the first place. It's a Corolla, we're the only owners, and there hasn't been any issues with this car literally until I got the flat. whatever.. Honestly, it still doesn't feel right, but I'm not sure that it ever will as a result.

 I want friends, but I also really don't. Like,.. in person. Planning and doing activities with other people is hard. I guess I'm used to just 'going' whenever I feel like doing something. That, and I'm never aware of any events that are going on. If I have the funds and I see something I want to do while I'm out by myself, I just go do it. If I were to wait for other people to go do something, I'd never do anything. 

 But even when I do end up making plans, I always end up feeling left out even when I'm there, it always seems like no one actually wants me to be there. So it makes me not want to do it anymore. Even going out to L.A., I don't mind the travel, but I feel like I'm not able to talk or joke with them about anything. I feel the same when I talk to people where I am too. I've noticed I don't share popular or common interests with a lot of people, so that makes it hard. I've also come to realize I struggle in group settings. I feel like I'm butting-in on whatever conversation is being had. And I've noticed in the jfashion scene especially, not watching anime or playing games really excluded you. I get really weird reactions, kinda like people used to get in 2012 for saying that they do watch anime. So that makes it a lot harder to have something to talk about too. 

 I feel terrible saying it, but I'm incredibly envious and get so unreasonably mad every time I see someone's prom and/or graduation pictures.

 I didn't get either prom 11th or 12th grade, and while we did have professional pictures done at the school, and they looked really nice.. I can't remember if it was the company or the school, but they lost the photos and they offered 1 day for retakes that I wasn't able to attend.

 My graduation also did not happen. My advisor didn't tell me until the practice day that I would not be able to. I cried in my car and then didn't go home for 4 hours.

 And for graduating nail school, my aunt and my cousins were supposed to attend because I didn't want my parents to, and 2 days before they said they weren't able to. So none of my family was there and I went and got lunch afterwards.

 I haven't worn gyaru all month cus I dead wanna kill myself. I've been waking up at 1:30 on average everyday and I barely eat 2 meals a day. It's worse on weekends cus my family's home, and I don't want to see them.

 I'd like to wake up earlier on weekdays cus I actually like the mornings. It's afternoons that I don't like.

 I've been trying to look more normal because then my family doesn't have as many problems with me. I can't stay in pajamas all day, cus that's a problem, and I don't want to dress gal, cus then I just feel like a tool for being unemployed. This is what I did while everyone else has a job?

 Family keeps dogging on me and making fun of me for being unemployed. My mom and brother were doing it earlier today, and I know those 2 are just playing around, but I have not been in a playing mood about this since I got the news I was being laid-off. I feel like.. I might genuinely be better off living with Gary; not just because of literally everything else in my life, but more the fact that I might be able to work for his company for a while. My mom's basically been giving me an allowance (for the first time in my life), and frankly I feel like a tool, because I'm spending this money on pictures, meals, and toys. What the hell is wrong with me. 

 Just got told this evening, May 24th, that my grandmother had a stroke. ok. 

 I feel like.. my life is like a greentext more and more with each passing day. If I kill myself, Julie gets all of my stuff and she gets to decide if other people get the things she doesn't want.