パギャル cont..

 I hate to say anywhere that I don't have friends because I really do consider the people I know online to be my friends and they're very important to me. At the same time, I feel like most all of it is.. surface level. And I don't think that's a bad thing, but it's literally all I have. Offline, in real life, I don't have friends. None of it transfers over.

 I had this issue in school before I'd moved, where we're friends in school, but I never talked to or hung out with anyone outside of it. I've never texted anyone outside of like, instagram, I've never been to a party, I never hung out with anyone over breaks or on weekends. I think after moving in the middle of the year, my ability in talking to people in my own classes and things in general got worse; in high school, in some of my classes I'd know and talk to everyone and then the next period I wouldn't know anyone and wouldn't talk the whole hour. I also spent about half of each year by myself at lunch cus I didn't have a 'group' or even just 1 good friend to sit with. I think that sucked the most and was what really made me start to realize my lack of social skills. Both then and now though, I don't know what you're supposed to do to fix that situation.

 My last year of school was completely online because of covid. I'd gotten really sick because of a medication I'd been taking at the beginning of that school year, so the one friend I did have, I wasn't able to hang out with, and I didn't know anyone in any of my classes online. I had no friends that year, and I didn't have any at all until I started trying to get into gyaru.

 I know people are always saying that you should be able to go out and do things totally by yourself and to not wait around for others to do things with, and it's like. I know what they're getting at, but it's like. I do that literally any day I have off work, so it doesn't really apply to me. It's not a thing of, oh I need someone to go with if I'm gonna see a movie or go out to eat or go to this event or whatever else, it's that.. I already do all these things, I'm just alone all the time. I don't know.. I feel very isolated. 

 I want to hang out with people and be invited to go do stuff and just sit around doing nothing and it feels like it'll never happen to me. 

 These are things I've been thinking about over and over for years now and it just keeps growing and taking up more space in my mind and it's something I think about more and more often. I don't know what to do about it. I've never really had a hard time talking to people. I go out most every day and talk with a lot of the people I see. Why is it so hard to have friends? 

 I don't tell this stuff to most anyone. Or at least no one in my family cus they'd berate me, but I'd told this to my hairdresser Alli, and Lilly, and the old lady Michele that I see at the swap meet. Because I'd been with Lilly so long the other day she was asking me lots of questions, and we were talking about impressions and things along those lines. She was really shocked to hear all of that ↑ and couldn't understand how it's possible. I don't know how I need to go about doing things.. My dad says I need to show more expression on my face when I'm not doing anything, and he always says you should talk to everyone that talks to you, so I try to do both of those things. I'm not good at the former... Most people look putoff by me until I do start talking though; whether it's cashiers or random people in stores. I'd said to my mom that most people kind of 'jump' and have a genuine look of surprise on their face once I do start talking, and that I don't understand why. She said most people probably see me as being intimidating and mean, so when I respond being loud and showing emotion it throws their impression. I didn't really know what to say to that.. kinda sucks. 

 I want to be someone different, I don't know what to do. I hate living like this.