New Year

 The 27th was the 8 year anniversary of my account. Not Ageha, but the one I'd made just before I moved. The 4th when we left and the 6th how long I've been here. Every year feels worse than the last. I thought it would eventually pass, but it still hasn't. I don't have any connection to my hometown, the people there don't think of me and I have no place there, but I still feel out of place here. I'm not from here and when I go anywhere other than the strip, people can tell. Where do I fit.. I don't have friends here, and the friends I do have online that I've met in person I don't think like me all that much. I feel very out of place with everyone I know. I know it's kind of stupid to say and goes against lots of encouraging/'moral of the story' type messages, but I want to fit in! I want people to like me and think of me and want to spend time with me or talking to me! 

 I feel like I've become a very different person since having to start over, but not in a...hmm, I don't know how to say. I feel like I haven't had any growth as a person, I guess. I don't feel like I've become a 'better' person either.. I still feel like the same person I was in middle school, and I feel like other people see me that way as well, untrustworthy, erratic, things like that.. I feel very ashamed... well, that's not the right word, maybe disappointed.. (something along those lines,) in the fact that there are so many traits and qualities, ways of speaking, presenting yourself, and acting towards others, that I've always found respectable and admirable in other people that I want to emulate myself. Yet, despite how many years I've wanted to be this kind of upstanding person, I can never seem to actually change myself in order to be like that. I want to be a different person! I don't like much anything about my personality, how I talk, how I act, any of it! And I haven't longer than I've been here! I don't know how to change, or where to start.

 I always use the 27th as a date of reflection, more than I do the 31st or new years day. I feel like I didn't do much this year, but that's not true at all, more accurately, I think my problems with myself have made the year pass me by completely. This is my first year having friends since I was 16, so... it's kind of weird. After being able to talk with people in person, I feel like maybe I'm someone who should always be alone and who doesn't have friends. I think it's difficult interacting with people in a closer way.. I want to keep trying, but it really sucks when you can tell you're disliked. I can't really place blame on anyone other than myself, and at the end of the day not everyone is bound to like you. But it's discouraging when I know so few people to begin with. I think a lot about quitting entirely, to just stop showing up even online, but I think that would be unfair to my most cherished friends, so I don't, even though I really want to and I think about doing so very often. 

 I don't know what goals to really set for myself in the 9th year.. I want to be someone that's thought of highly and well liked. Even something more concrete seems so far off and unrealistic, like saving more money and buying the Corolla off my dad. I want to change.