9/28 thoughts

 I've been having many many thoughts again and haven't made a thoughts blog post in a while. Methinks it's time for one again. As always, all are only half formed and barely coherent.

 I haven't felt 'right' doing gal for a while and I don't know why. I like all my clothes and wigs and stuff, but I feel very disconnected. Like. both from other people and myself. I don't really know how to explain it. Posting doesn't feel right. It's not been fun all month. I don't know how to explain it.. but I haven't been feeling like myself all month. I feel like I need to dress like a douche or a boy again for a while. I still like all my MA*RS and wigs, but it hasn't felt like me, especially the last few days.

 Recently, I feel as though my clothes, hair, and makeup are wearing me. I feel like none of it is me, but I don't know who I feel like. I've had this type of feeling before, but nowhere near as extreme as how it is this time. Methinks it may be a result of my medication or my illness, but I really can't be sure. 

 Unrelated to the above, but I've been thinking more and more the last few weeks about how my life through high school and now have been. It started after one of the houses we'd cleaned, they were lecturing their daughter while we were there. One of the things her mom had said to her was, "you're 15, your entire high school life can't just be about boys!". Made me think about what I want out of a relationship and how my time in school had been.. I didn't have fun in school... I'd like to date, but I don't think I'd actually be able to for a multitude of reasons. 

 Nothing in my life is going in a way I want it to. I want to go back in time a few months to when I was still talking with people. ooooohh shiiiit. manic episode. hmm. ok well, some of it possibly solved. 

 Anyways. Nothing is going how I want it to. The only person I regularly interact with is my coworker Alexia. I enjoy my job, but that's all I really enjoy. I've only seen Eva a few times. I like her. Other than that, I don't really have any friends. I haven't talked with Leo since before my birthday. I'm still pretty mad so I don't want to talk with him right now cus I know I'll be mean. I'm sick of being cancelled on. It's not just him either, it's most friends I've had. They either cancel on me the day of or the day before, or they show up so late that I don't even wanna be there anymore. Am I really that awful to be around? I wish people would just tell me to my face that they don't want to be friends anymore. I'd cry over it, but long-term it'd be better than what it is now. None of my relationships are very good and they haven't been for years now. I want to go back home. I don't think I can take a month off of work to do so. I want to disappear and not talk to anyone for months. I want to only live in my head for as long as I can.