thoughts 7/20

  Hi family. Been having many thoughts again.. I don't know if my medication is working or if the dosage needs to be raised :(. It's hard to tell.

 I know I say it like, every other post, "been having many thoughts lately", but I don't always share what those thoughts are. I'm not gonna add the link for this one to the gram just cus today's post is gonna suck a little.

 I feel like even though I want to get better at acting more normal, sometimes my autism just doesn't want to allow it. It makes me nervous answering dms from people who I haven't spoken with before because I know I can come across as odd and rude without really meaning to. I'm glad I've been able to make friends online though, they seem to understand what I'm trying to say or get across even when I fuck it up 👍. But still. idk

 As far as how I've been lately... mmm. no me gusta. For the last month and a half now, I've been waking up at 6:30 everyday, regardless of when I go to bed. I can't fall asleep until the middle of the afternoon even though I'll be exhausted the entire time. it's like I have to keep moving my body and brain even though I want to go back to bed. I don't understand why I can't just go back to bed 😿. I used to sleep for 14 hours and I'd still be able to sleep more 😭. Now I normally get around 5-6 hours of sleep regardless of what day of the week it is 😿. Because I've been getting less sleep, my skin has been a lot worse this last month. Before, most of my acne was hormonal, or again, because of lack of sleep. Now, my entire face is broken out again :(. I'm worried what my parents will say if they notice 😮‍💨.

 Even though I'm exhausted the entire morning, again, it's like I have to keep moving, which is why I've been doing gal every day I don't have work. I'm kind of tired of it tbh. I just want to go back to bed 😭😭!!! I feel like everyday I need to do something better than what I did the day before... I don't know. I'm gonna take a nap and come back to this. 

 I've been spending more money lately as well... I'm not really happy about it. It's stupid to say because I'm the one doing it, but I feel like it's not actually 'me' making the choices I do; like, the part of me that actually thinks and feels gross and feels regret is completely separate from the part of me that spends money like I'm bezos, and has to do a full face of makeup. I don't really know how else to explain it. It's like I'm watching someone from a birdseye view. except both people are me :/.. I don't want to keep spending my entire paycheck, I want to have more money to put into my savings, but it's like my brain isn't present when I make these decisions. 

 Super TMI: Every morning over the last 2 months when I've woken up, I've felt so sick like I'm either going to vomit or I need to be on the toilet immediately. It's been awful. Eating doesn't help either. A few times I have been able to fall back asleep and then I manage to avoid the feeling entirely. It's rare that's the case though. 

 I've had no appetite for weeks now. I can barely eat anything. Half the time I'll be hungry and then only be able to eat a third of my meal. I don't know what to do about it. Most days I'm so hungry I'm literally in pain, but I physically can't eat as much as I want to or need to. I think I'd pass out if I tried. 

 Everyday, I manage to feel ugly and worthless and simultaneously manage to have the confidence and belief in myself of Dennis Reynolds. 

 I know I've been acting more erratic lately, but I feel like I can't actually do anything to change it. Like I'd said, it's like watching somebody else do everything and just hovering over their shoulder as everything happens. 

 I'm not happy. I hope this ends soon