med. news

 Just had my appointment with my psychologist. She's upped the dosage on my mood stabilizer and I have to take it at night now. She also wants me to take my adhd med only on the days I work now too. I'm really worried I won't remember to take my mood stabilizer, cause I've been taking them both together every morning, and I've been consistent with it for about a month now. And it took around 3 months to get to that point :(.

 I also can't really get her to understand that feeling 'nothing' is better than how "energized" I've felt the last month, and better than when I was angry all the time. Cause feeling nothing, I don't have to experience either, I can just go about my day.

 I ended up crying during the appointment cause I don't know how to explain that to someone. She'd asked if the mood stabilizer was working, and I said I didn't know, I thought so cause I wasn't mad anymore, but that it was still worse than feeling nothing. She doesn't seem to understand why I prefer feeling nothing. 

 After experiencing this (newer) whole range of emotions, I can say for sure that I think my version of nothing, is what other people feel everyday. They don't go through day-month long periods of what I've been experiencing the last few years. I know my parents and brother don't. And honestly, that seems like enough people to make this kind of assumption off of.

 My doctor insisted on upping the dosage because my mood still doesn't seem normal, and she thinks my wanting to feel nothing isn't normal as well. I don't know how to explain to her that it's the same as what she's describing. :(

 I see her again in another month. I don't know how to say what I want to get across :(.